When Our Children Strike Back |
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Dr. Sutton sent this letter to Letters to the Editor of USA Today on June 13, 1997
The June 9th, 1997 article, Parents, why do you push so hard?
by Patrick Welsh, squarely addressed an issue that is troubling families
today. When our children are so pressed to achieve, there is often a price
to pay; they can become sick, or they can become sick of parental
expectations. As a child and adolescent psychologist, I see a wave of defiance in
good and decent kids that is unprecedented, something I call the "Good
Kid" Disorder. These kids shut down in the face of parental pressures to
achieve, and, more often than not, they are not very open to talking about
it. Their behaviors of noncompliance and underachievement does the
talking. These youngsters have their parents (and their teachers)
completely frustrated and totally baffled. Often, parental frustration serves to make things worse. Take, for
instance, the case of a 16-year-old girl who was brought to counseling by
her father. Although she was bright and capable, she was failing her third
year as a high school freshman. Every April, her father would give her the
"Please, please, please; all I want you to do is pass" lecture. And she
would fail. It seemed certain that her ability to control the emotional
state of her father was more valuable to her than a high school diploma.
Unfortunately, her story is not unique at all. Although there aren't any easy answers which will erase all the
problems, I do believe that there are two interventions which can help:
affirmation and empowerment. We must return to affirming our children in ways that are not brimming
over with conditions. For instance, a parent could say to a daughter: "You
know Suzie, I really don't say it to you often enough, but I'm glad that
you are my daughter. You don't have to say anything; I just wanted you to
know." Over time, this can be powerful stuff. Offering choices is an excellent way to empower a youngster, although
not everything is open to choice. Preparing a "menu" of options can
eliminate a number of hassles, and, more importantly, it is usually
perceived by the child as a fair and reasonable gesture. It's not a
panacea, but it is a move in the right direction. Sincerely, James D. Sutton, Ed.D.
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