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This article appeared in the Jan/Feb, 1997 issues of
Learning. That issue also designated Dr. Sutton's book as
"Editor's Choice."
James D. Sutton, Ed.D.,
Consulting Psychologist
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Nathan frustrates the dickens out of his teacher. Though he's clearly bright
and capable, he's never prepared for class, and he rarely does his homework.
He's always saying something like "Oh, I though this assignment was due next
Friday." He earnestly promises to do better but never follows through. He's
charming and pleasant---and on the brink of serious trouble in school. His
parents say his behavior is similar at home.
There's one more thing: Though Nathan spends plenty of time joking around, at
the core he seems to be miserable.
What's going on here?
Teachers nationwide are seeing more and more students like Nathan. The
psychological name for his problem is oppositional defiant disorder (a
classification which includes an older term---passive aggressive), though
many students exhibit the behavior without ever being diagnosed. In contrast
to children who can't sit still and are always in trouble for what they're
doing, oppositional and defiant youngsters are in trouble for what they don't
do. Schoolwork and chores at home top the list. Oftentimes, these students
are well mannered and seem to have good intentions, but they quietly defy
your directions. In short, they're just plain difficult. As Nathan's teacher
told me, "Maybe Nathan doesn't act out, but he surely doesn't act right."
In the late 1960s, no classification existed for children like these. Today,
this disorder takes up several pages in the American Psychological
Association's diagnostic manual.
Joining forces
The way we typically confront an oppositional and defiant youngster are
ineffective: Ignoring, pleading, bargaining and helping don't work. "Get
tough" approaches such as threatening and showing anger aren't successful,
either. They give the child the message "Do this or else," and the child opts
for the "or else."
The suggestions that follow have proved effective with children and teachers
nationwide. Be sure to share them with parents, too---these interventions
will work best if they're used at school and at home.
1. Eliminate excessive expectations. If the child perceives you
as reasonable and fair, you'll be able to work more effectively with him or
her. Every day, set aside 20 to 30 seconds for interacting with this
youngster. Discuss something of particular interest to the child, such as
sports, a hobby, or a family vacation. Make sure this interaction contains no
expectations---this might be the only unconditional interaction that the
youngster has with an adult. Parents can set up these same types of
interactions.
2. Encourage assertiveness. Since this child prefers silent
noncompliance to verbal assertiveness, it's important to encourage the child
to be assertive. For instance, when other students in the class explain that
they don't have enough time to complete a long assignment, you can comment on
the appropriate manner in which they expressed their concern. At home,
parents should recognize and praise the child's siblings when they show
appropriate assertiveness.
3. Offer options and choices. Letting children select three
assignments (or chores at home) from a list of five empowers them to make
other decisions. Also, they're more likely to complete tasks that they've
chosen.
4. Give the youngster specific responsibilities. Asking this
student to explain and demonstrate an important assignment or job, for
example, accomplishes two things: It provides the child with status within
the class, and it eliminates any subsequent excuse for not understanding the
assignment. Parents can do the same by putting the youngster in charge of the
family's chore board.
5. Take control of homework. Homework can become a weapon that
these kids use against you and against their parents. To combat this, have
your class develop daily homework checklists. Be forewarned, though---the
next thing the child forgets or loses might be the list. Also, work with
parents to set up a structured time and place during the school day for the
student to complete homework; before or after school, during detention or
tutorials, or during a pullout class such as special education.
6. Spit in the Soup. Predicting a child's oppositional and
defiant behavior can help eliminate it. For example, sometimes Simone "accidently"
drops a box of crayons just as the other students are lining up for lunch
(obstructionism). The next day, as the children are lining up, pull the
crayon dropper aside and say gently, "You know, I was wondering whether you
were going to drop your crayons again, like you did yesterday." She won't.
Though this is a temporary measure, it can help a teacher or a parent to get
past a tough spot.
7. Reward compliance---strategically. This works especially
well with the youngster who has difficulty getting on task, and it can help
you get more out of your instructional time. For example, Christopher
regularly camps out at the pencil sharpener. He spends so much time "getting
ready" that he never gets anything done! The next time that Christopher is
grinding the life out of another perfectly good pencil, announce that
students who are in their seats and working have just earned a five-minute
bubble-gum break.
Of course, Christopher will know he's been set up---so announce that another
break like this will occur tomorrow. Guess who will stay in his seat? On the
off chance that he doesn't, wait until he goes to his seat and then announce
the break. He'll know you cut him some slack---and he'll be more likely to
cut you some slack, too. A refinement of this strategy is to set one or two
timers to go off during an activity and to reward students who are in their
seats and working when the timers sound.
8. Appeal to reason. Appealing to a child's sense of fairness
and reason can lead to compliance, as long as this tactic isn't overused. For
example, let your students know that you'd appreciate their working quietly
at their desks on a day when you're not feeling well or while you set up
Friday's field trip. Parents can ask for this kind of cooperation as well.
9. Use humor. Overstatement can be useful in redirecting an
upset youngster. For example, when Alexandra comes slamming into the
classroom after an argument with her mother, you could say, "Hey, looks like
you ate your Wheaties this morning!" This may be just enough to break the
tension and put her in a better frame of mind.
10. Note improvement---and say so. Whenever there's any
measurable improvement, you and the child's parents should make it clear that
you've noticed. Keep theses comments casual to avoid causing the youngster to
feel patronized or manipulated. Whenever children realize that their efforts
have been recognized, they're motivated to continue improving.
Strings Attached
Most children aren't born with oppositional and defiant behavior. Okay, there
may be a few who are---the doctor pops them on the fanny, and they say, "I
ain't crying!" In most cases, though, opposition and defiance are reactive
behaviors, a duel for the reins of control. These scenarios seem to spark
oppositional and defiant behaviors:
Acute emotional distress. This includes crises and losses such
as divorce, death, or natural disasters such as fires, floods or hurricanes.
The children are forced into abrupt and unacceptable changes. Part of the
natural recovery process is for the children to regain control over their
lives---a process that is manifested in oppositional and defiant behavior.
This behavior is usually temporary.
Chronic emotional distress. This condition is more subtle and
has more damaging long-term consequences. These children typically live in
highly dysfunctional families: They've suffered abuse or abandonment, or
their parents abuse alcohol or other substances. In short, these children's
lives are one ongoing crisis. And in many cases, these crises are well-kept
family secrets.
Overdependency. Children who haven't experienced major
emotional distress can also show oppositional and defiant behavior. This is
especially true of children who feel they can't freely express themselves,
children who believe they must act a certain way to get approval from key
adults in their lives, or children who have had excessive expectations placed
on them. Perception is reality here. A parent's expectations may not seem
excessive to you, but may to the child. These children fear that in being
honest about their resentment, they might be rejected. Their anger and
bitterness leak out, one drop at a time. They're in a silent rebellion.
The Book:
In his book If My Kid's So Nice ... Why's He Driving ME Crazy?
Straight talk about the "Good Kid" Disorder nationally recognized
educator, psychologist, and author Dr. James Sutton addresses what he
calls the "Good Kid" Disorder. He shows parents and teachers the behaviors
to watch for, and how to better understand and respond to the youngster
displaying them. Dr. Sutton cautions against the "No-lutions," seven
typical reactions to the oppositional and defiant child that not only
don't work, they add to the distress. Practical and proven strategies and
interventions for improving task completion at home and at school, while
encouraging more harmony in relationships, round out this excellent and
timely resource. This book is published by Friendly Oaks Publications ($18.95). Call
1-800-659-6628 to order.
Chapter-by-chapter
description of this book
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